McRib

Ah yes, the McRib. Love it or libel it, everyone has an opinion. Questions have arisen about, among other things, its ingredients and whether it has been "blessed by the gods" (SPOILER ALERT: Yes.). What hasn't been asked by the mainstream media (or anyone else, as far as I can tell based on a lazy review of the top four results from a Google search) is whether it would be better with red pepper. But *I* asked. Which was awkward, because I was once again talking to myself, at the time. Not a terribly good sign, that. But it inspired this long-overdue post, so we'll call it success.



As you may have noted in the picture, this McRib lacks pickles so the result is not as definitively scientific as might be hoped. But I faced a quandary: (1) review the McRib without pickles, making the result somewhat less scientifically sound than usual, or (2) review the McRib with pickles and spend an entire blog post telling you just precisely how much I hate pickles. While the latter might have been more fun, it would have been less faithful to the mission of the blog.

WITHOUT RED PEPPER

I feel that I should be permitted to skip this section, for surely you have either tried it yourself or acknowledged your failure as a human being and taken up a life as a solitary hermit, untroubled by technology. For if you think about it, that's what the McRib is, isn't it? Technology, or, at least, its progeny. But for my brothers and sisters of faiths that prohibit them from consuming delicious, delicious pork, here is a brief synopsis. Though you might think that a product containing over 70 ingredients would be overly complex, you would, in fact, be mistaken. The "meat" is tender and largely bland, but on the delicious side on bland. The flavor is supplied by the BBQ sauce, which is sweet and good. The bun is very bun-like. The onions provide a crunch (and the only food approaching "natural" in the entire product). While no one of these ingredients in isolation rises above good, together their powers combine to transcend earthly form. Truly, the McRib is a spiritual experience. Though this may just be a high from the azodicarbonamide.

WITH RED PEPPER

Boom. It's a whole new level of amazing. It takes several seconds for the red pepper to break through 820 mg of sodium (in fairness, I was surprised at how low this was for a prepared foor), but it's worth the wait for the pleasant tingle on the edges of the tongue. Plus, adding red pepper effectively doubles the number of McRib ingredients that are in any way, shape, or form "natural."

THE VERDICT

Better With Red Pepper! No doubt about this one. McDonald's should consider a spicy BBQ sauce, powered by red pepper. Quick, someone start a petition to the White House!

Is the McRib "Better With Wed Pepper"?
	Yes! (Either because (a) it enhanced the nirvana-like experience or (b) made it edible)
	No, but no worse either.
	No; it's a step in the wrong direction.
	No! How dare your desecrate the holy McRib?!
pollcode.com free polls

Open Nature Chicken Pesto

Ordinarily, I am not one for products with the term "Natural" or "Organic" prominently displayed on them. You know what else is "natural" and "organic"? Smallpox, that's what. Ah, if only my stand were so principled. In reality, the *true* reason is that I am a cheapskate. That extra $2-$3 per (frozen) meal is better spent on future medical treatment for the various maladies that will undoubtedly attend my unnatural and synthetic diet. That said, occasionally a "natural" or "organic" product will creep down into my price range. Such was the case with this instant meal.



(Apologies for prominently writing my name on the carton; that was a necessity due to its temporary storage at work. It's not that I don't trust my coworkers, it's just that if one of them violates my trust I want to be able to rummage through their trash and wave the offending item in their face. You know, claim the moral high ground.)

WITHOUT RED PEPPER

To be honest, the dish was underwhelming. Short on flavor. Also, "natural chicken" does not necessarily equal "tender chicken" or even "all-that-good" chicken. I'm no culinary expert, but I think the missing ingredient is cowbell. Or something.

WITH RED PEPPER

Look, the bar was set pretty low here. So when I say it was "Better With Red Pepper!," please understand that it would likely have been "Better With Salt!" Or any other spice, really. But I don't feel like starting additional blogs to fully explore the issue. By all means, feel free to do so yourself!

THE VERDICT

Better With Red Pepper! So far, frozen meals are 2-0 in terms of being better with red pepper. Undefeated! Can they continue to hold this rather dubious honor? Stay tuned!

AQ - "Asked Questions"

ASKED QUESTIONS¹

How do you select the foods you review on here?

As this is a scientific endeavor, I employ a very careful, three step process in this determination. (1) Am I eating food? (2) Do I have red pepper handy? (3) Exercising whimsy, arbitrariness, and caprice, do I feel like making a blog post of my snack/meal? Application of this three step process is much easier than it sounds.

Why don't you do something besides pouring red pepper flakes on the food (e.g., bake it in, grind it up)?

Laziness.

Isn't the occasional us of the royal "we" a bit, uh, ridiculous?

Yes. But isn't the whole existence of this blog a bit, uh, ridiculous?

¹ These questions have not been asked frequently. Or even occasionally. Some may never have been asked at all, apart from where I've typed them in this post.

Carrot Cake

It would be a poor reflection of my typical diet if one of the first three (substantive) entries didn't focus on a dessert. So here we are.



WITHOUT RED PEPPER

What we have here is your typical store-bought carrot cake with extra cream cheese frosting and sprinkles. For those who wish to re-create the experience at home, the store was Albertson's, the frosting was Pillsbury Creamy Supreme, and the sprinkles were both colorful and plentiful. As store-bought cakes go, this one wasn't bad. It also had the advantage of functioning as a birthday cake, which imbues it with +2 deliciousness.

WITH RED PEPPER

Here's the thing. My hypothesis was that this experience would be unpleasant. Not burning-to-death-in-a-flaming-dirigible unpleasant, but not the sort of thing I would enjoy. It defied this expectation. In a positive way, I must add. There's something to this "spicy and sweet" combination. Science should get on this. No, I don't care that they have better things to do. Have video gamers do that other stuff - this is the TOP PRIORITY!

THE VERDICT

Not better with red pepper, but not worse either. It's a different dessert. In fact, someone ought to bake a carrot cake with the red pepper baked into it. I would pay money for that product. (NOTE: This is not unilateral contract, nor is it an offer of any kind.)

Is carrot cake "Better With Red Pepper"?
	Yes! BETTER WITH RED PEPPER!
	No, but no worse either.
	No; it's a step in the wrong direction.
	No! It's like that fiery-death-by-dirigible thing you mentioned!
pollcode.com free polls

Fresh Banana

Today, we venture into the fruit kingdom. (Why should only animals get "kingdoms"? Seems unjust.) And so I give you a banana! Bananas have many uses. Consumption of raw bananas is one of the more conventional employments of the fruit, and is the one to which I address myself today.



WITHOUT RED PEPPER

I trust that I need not explain to you the flavor of a fresh banana. This one was slightly overripe to my taste. (But then, I prefer slightly underripe bananas. Hence the common man’s “ripe” banana is this author’s “overripe” banana. But I digress.) Still, it’s a banana.

WITH RED PEPPER

At first, I failed to note any difference. “Should I add more red pepper?” I wondered to myself. But then I caught the faint hint of spiciness. Spicy banana. That worked for me. Then I finally got some red pepper flavor. That did not work for me. The flavors of banana and red pepper are not, shall we say, complements. (Nor, would I think, are they compliments – if someone says “You’re so red pepper flavor!” or “You’re so banana flavor!” they aren’t likely to be offering a statement of praise. I may be wrong on this, though.)

THE VERDICT

A fresh banana is NOT better with red pepper. Worse, actually. Spicy fresh banana = good; red pepper flavored fresh banana = bad.

Is a banana "Better With Red Pepper"?
	Yes! BETTER WITH RED PEPPER!
	No, but no worse either.
	No; it's a step in the wrong direction.
	No! It's a DISASTER!
pollcode.com free polls

Healthy Choice Sesame Glazed Chicken

The inaugural entry!

Today, I christen the blog with sesame glazed chicken. Healthy Choice Sesame Glazed Chicken, to be precise. (For what I hope are obvious reasons, this christening is unlike a ship christening (i.e., I did not break a bottle of sesame glaze against my monitor) or the christening of a child (i.e., there is no theological component to this post - if you see one, you're missing the point badly)).


This photo shows the entree's original "clothing" as well as the red-peppered compartment (right) and non-red-peppered compartment (left, for those lacking even modest deductive reasoning skills).


PRE-RED PEPPER

The dish is not without its charm. Fresh-seeming vegetables, decently tender chicken, whole grain rice. Not your grandmother's frozen meal. That is to say, it is unlikely to be confused with cardboard in blind taste-testing. The sauce though, it tastes like sweet. Not just "tastes sweet" but "tastes like sweet. There's not much else going on, flavor-wise. It's missing a certain je ne sais quoi. But perhaps I do sais quoi.


POST-RED PEPPER

At last! Flavor! Spice! Now this sauce has something to recommend it and is worthy of a lunch.


VERDICT

This is not a close call. Healthy Choice Sesame Glazed Chicken is BETTER WITH RED PEPPER. Yes, yes, I know. An Asian-themed entree is better with red pepper. Shocking. But it's a starting point for the blog; not every entry will be so obvious.

Is Healthy Choice Sesame Glazed Chicken "Better With Red Pepper"?
	Yes! BETTER WITH RED PEPPER!
	No, but no worse either.
	No; it's a step in the wrong direction.
	No! It's a DISASTER!
pollcode.com free polls

Welcome!

Welcome to Better With Red Pepper?! That's an enthusiastic declaration, not an incredulous question.

Many claim that everything is better with red pepper. Our mission here is, rather straightforwardly, to determine whether this is true. No, this isn't apt to bring about world peace or even accomplish the much more modest goal of ending hunger. But it will answer a question I've had for some time now.

Here is my tentative vision for the blog. From time to time, I will consume food. First, I will consume the food without red pepper. Then I will consume the food with red pepper. Based on these two experiences, I will rate the food as "Better With Red Pepper!" or "Not Better With Red Pepper." How, very scientific, now? And then, as a purely pandering, populist gesture, I will offer a poll, allowing you, the huddled masses yearning to breathe free (or should that be "fire"?), to offer your own opinion.